so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
