sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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