please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
