Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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