made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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