I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
