I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
