We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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