Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
