omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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