cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
