She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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