umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
