Welp...herpes.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
