Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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