Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
