Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
