Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
