Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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