We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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