I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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