there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
