new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
