Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
COCAINE IS GR8
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
