i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
