I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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