Joe is yelling at the trees again.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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