I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
