yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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