I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
