I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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