i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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