i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
