I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
