This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
