I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm too high and old for this...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
