I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
