I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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