Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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