I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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