I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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