You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
