dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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