Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
