I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
