A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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