why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
