I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
should my penis look like a turkey
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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