a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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