On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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