Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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