ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
