I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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